I Lost My Way When I Lost You
by wrecking
Summary: Bella follows through with her plans to become a vampire, but things don't exactly work out with Edward. This causes her to remember another person that made her happy and to seek him out. Jacob/Bella


Bella's transformation into a vampire wasn't something she liked to remember happily. It had been more painful than she could describe and even harder with the urges for blood that never subsided.

Memories of her change put a hole in her middle because it was also the end of a love she'd done all of it for. She never imagined herself without Edward by her side, but these days she couldn't remember what it was like to be near him.

He'd said that human memories fade, whereas her memories whilst a vampire would carry on forever. She found that if she tried hard enough, some of those could be shoved deep inside and never recalled.

She knew that years had passed, but she wasn't sure how many. There'd been countless days and nights, writhing with hunger and conquering her insatiable need; it had made the weeks and months fly by without a hitch.

Bella's current living situation wasn't ideal; a small studio apartment in Seattle, few pieces of furniture to stifle the loneliness. She had taken the money Edward had offered her, but making it last was proving difficult. The idea of a job was ludicrous; she'd just now mastered walking down a street for errands. The mere thought of working for hours a day with those that quenched her bloodlust was painful.

As she stood to be near the window — always looking out and rarely leaving the four walls around her — she remembered a boy with russet skin and a smile that melted glaciers. Bella closed her eyes, trying to remember the color of his eyes and the sound his laugh left on the air. She'd shoved him too far inside, being heartbroken when he left. It seemed like he was only a stranger to her, until she mustered enough courage to say his name aloud.

"Oh, Jacob."

His name stung her chest, sending jolts to her non-beating heart. She instinctively pulled her arms around her abdomen, letting the pain she never felt overtake her. The memory of this love — one she'd purposely put an end to — hurt her more than Edward ever did.

Bella felt herself crouching to the floor, all the memories of motorcycles and laughter were becoming too much to bear. The intensity of this hurt was filling the room, making her head spin and her stomach lurch. She had not felt anything of this nature in so long that it confused her. She'd always assumed when she was turned that the pain she wasn't supposed to feel also included emotional. Bella was finding out this was entirely false.

And like a forgotten song, she saw his face. The way his eyes squinted when he was smiling widely, and how his lips pursed together when he was trying not to laugh at her clumsiness.

Bella's eyes opened and all she could see was Jacob. She wondered how long she'd been without his memory, but knew it didn't matter anymore. It was clear what she had to do, even if her crumbling heart — cold and dead to those that believe in the literal — would break at rejection.

---

Bella wanted it to be a chase, a long journey to find him. She deserved no less than a year's worth of battles and false leads. It surprised her just how easy it was to catch up with him; finding the small house she barely remembered, but somehow knew quite well.

She was like a small fly, prying into his life without his knowledge. Bella had already readied herself for the ultimate disappointment: that he'd continued his life and forgotten all about the mousy clumsy girl he'd once loved. But when he stepped outside his front door, no ring on his finger and alone, part of her wept for his solitary lifestyle. She couldn't help but feel responsible for the damaged person he'd become.

Walking much faster than anyone should, she was inches from his oversized body before she said his name and watched him snap to see her pale face.

"B..Bella?" Jacob's eyes narrowed in confusion, and she thought it was the sight of her after all this time. But, she soon realized it was her new appearance. Lately she'd forgotten just how different her transformation had made her.

Bella's eyes searched his, waiting for anger or hatred. She'd played this out in her head so many times; she was ready for any response he'd throw at her.

Jacob's arms were around Bella's waist and lifting her off the ground before she could blink, his warmth overpowering her own frozen skin. Soon, she felt the white-hot tears soaking her shirt, wishing she could cry as well. This happiness seemed stark without a way to express it.

Jacob pulled back, taking in all of Bella and shaking his head. No words were said, and no words were needed. Subtle tilts of the head and secret smiles told all the tales that any of them needed.

"It's been a while," Jacob laughed, finally breaking the silence.

Bella's eyes slowly closed, basking in the familiarity of this moment. Her lips opened to speak several times before she found the right words to say, "I _missed_ you."

Bella wanted to kiss him, and try to erase all those lost years and moments. But, she thought it best to keep her distance. She wasn't sure if he was happy to see her, or faking joy to keep from hurting her feelings.

Still with barely any words, he opened the door to his car and helped Bella in. He was still used to her clumsy ways, wherein she needed help just tying her shoelaces. Jacob closed the car door, rushing to the driver's side.

His body language was all there, and she felt like a fool for not seeing it sooner. His hand reached for hers, shivering at the coldness of her touch. Bella glanced into his kind eyes, and felt like this was how it always was. As if time or distance could stop something like this, adoration felt for both and by both, silent and complete.


End file.
